How was I, the non meat eater, put in charge of grilling hotdogs and hamburgers? Extra well done for everyone.

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My son insisted that I mod smash bros. Had no idea what that meant and how complicated it would be but its been fun

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Was told “don’t be weird around the new friends. Just don’t talk while they’re here”. So be awkward? Got it. I’m good at that.

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MY BOSS JUST ASKED IF I COULD ACT HUMAN FOR A MINUTE. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND - HOPEFULLY THATS IN A FUTURE RELEASE.

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No I’m not selling girl scout cookies. That’s my lunch. For the week. Don’t judge me, its for a good cause.

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My 9 yr old daughter is working on a PowerPoint to present to the fam on valentines day. Don’t know what to think about that.

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The effing Elves on the shelf are back. I’m thinking of recreating scenes from violent movies if you have any recommendations for me.

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Driving home, I saw that someone had tied a ‘Happy Birthday’ balloon to a dead deer. Either that person doesn’t get it, or I don’t.

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it’s hard to fight the urge to reply to what is clearly a scam email. “Rob died and you can claim his 5m inheritance” oh god no! - Not ROB"

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I have acquired some relatively useless skills thank to my 9 yr. old daughter … Like making duck take clutches.

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RT @bmf: When media companies encrypt our stuff, it’s digital rights management. When we encrypt our stuff, it’s aiding terrorists.

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When its warm & shed my coat, going from 10 pockets to only having 4, I contemplate how weird I would look carrying a man purse or hip sack.

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Glad those effing elves are gone. Next year im gunna have to break the news that they died on the way back to the north pole. Much easier.

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